Today my daughter graduates high school and I found myself thinking about something that was said on my last doctor's visit the day before my 44th bday. I was feeling great! I had just quit my stressful job, my last day was a couple of days before. My son was home for two weeks from the military before moving to the next base he would be stationed at and I felt happy. When I told my doctor that I had just quit my job and was enjoying some R&R for the first time in a long time her first response was "So you're having your mid-life crisis. Right on schedule- most people live to be around 80 right now." And suddenly I was having second thoughts about my true motivations to quit my job "huh, is that what this is? should I have quit my dependable, decent paying job to figure my life out and start over? What AM I going to do now?"
Mid-life crisis does make a lot of sense. In the last 10 months a LOT has happened in my life and I have been all over the place emotionally and mentally. My oldest enlisted in the Air Force and left home for the first time at age 19. I went from seeing him every day to getting a couple of phone calls for 7.5 weeks while he was in basic training. When he left I realized my daughter would soon be turning 18 & graduating from high school and was talking about saving up her money and leaving home ASAP. My parents were having health issues and were unable to travel to see my son graduate from BMT or my daughter graduate from high school. My father-in-law broke his hip. My high stress job promoted me, gave me a 3% raise with that promotion to manager which ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back. I finally put in my notice after 2 years of saying I was going to quit because it just wasn't the right job for me. Sure, I was successful at it, but it wasn't something that lit me up and made me happy. I dreaded being there every day. With no job lined up my only plan was to enjoy time with my son for two weeks and spend time with my daughter before she spread her wings and flew away too.
And that's the whirlwind that lead me here. As I sat in the doctor's office my thoughts weren't that wow, my life was half over. My thought was wow, I am making a clean break and a fresh start over with my life- this was a chance to figure out what I want to do and find a way to make money doing something I love instead of working because I had to. My kids are independent and no long demand all of my attention or all my money. I was done with the job I felt was holding me down and keeping me from doing what I wanted in life. This is a fresh start over! A new beginning and the chance to make the second half (and then some because I plan to live LONGER than 80!) of my life more closely align with what I WANT and not just what I had to do to survive. I'm not sure who said it or where it came from but this is an affirmation I repeat to myself every day right now. Like a phoenix "I rise from the ashes of my past life and align with my true purpose". Do I know where I'll end up? Not exactly, I'm still working on that.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a pretty good life. Sure, lots of struggles and a lot of things that could have and probably should have run smoother. But the first 44 years I had focused on what I SHOULD do and that didn't always lead to me being happy. The should do's were always loud and clear. I should listen to my parents, go to church, graduate high school, go to college, get married, have kids. I should breastfeed my kids, read to them every day, cook them healthy meals. I should get a job to help pay the bills. I should go back to college, I should take a promotion I didn't really want to make more money so we could afford nicer things. I should help my kids with their homework. I should walk the dog. I should keep the house clean. I should go grocery shopping, make dinner, do the laundry, have my kids play sports... The should do's spoke to me ALL the time and those were the voices I listened to, losing sight of anything I felt made me truly happy.
My husband always asked me what I WANT to do on the weekends or for vacation. The first things that pop into my head were usually that I needed to do the grocery shopping, the laundry, clean the house, help the kids with homework. All the things I NEEDED to do to make my coming work week easier. My husband was looking for me to tell him what sounded like fun to do as a way to get away from the stress of crazy weeks. He didn't care what I should do or even what he should do. He wanted fun and excitement. For a long time I didn't understand that. But now I'm beginning to understand that he wants to do more of what lights him up and makes him happy so he can get through his week easier. Now I'm finally at a point I feel like that's what I want too- time to do more of the things I love and enjoy. I just have to rediscover who I am and what I like again. Because when you ask me what I want to do, I still don't always know.
So today, on the day my daughter graduates high school, I am thinking that this is my graduation into the next phase of my life too. Graduations are not just endings of something but a new beginning. A fresh start over. A chance to build a new routine, discover a new way of life and move towards better things. In my case I am thinking of this as a chance to get back to the basics of what makes life worthwhile for me. I no longer want to live just for the paycheck and thinking that "I'll be happy when..." I want to be happy now and enjoy life. I want to love my life and live my life. It's not that my family held me back- I held myself back by thinking that I had to let the "should do's" rule my life. It's important to love life and let life love me back. Life's possibilities are endless for those who choose to dream big and work hard for what they want. That holds true for newly graduated high school students and mid-life crisis mom's!
One of the things that I use to love to do was write in a journal. Writing has been a way for me to process and work through everything that I was going through. When I got married I stopped writing in a journal, I'm not quite sure why. So to help me through this "midlife crisis" stage in life I have decided to go back to the basics- the things that make me happy. Writing, reading, being out in nature, helping others, teaching (because that was a sudden realization too- I enjoy teaching and training people!), crochet/yarn crafts, spending quality time with family, etc. This blog is my mid-life crisis blog, a way to find my way through the uncertainty and become who I want to be.
To anyone else out there going through their midlife crisis, adjusting to being an empty nester, or to anyone who is looking for some encouragement that starting over can be done, welcome! Introduce yourself! Let's get to know each other better. Hopefully my journey can help you on your journey.
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